Low

Tonight is rainy and quiet and I just want to lock myself in the house and not come out for a while. I want to find a deep dark cave, crawl in there and sleep for a spell. I don't know how to stop all the stuff in my head from tumbling.

The yard sale at Bill and Kay's was ok. Until Sunday. I'm in the kitchen with Kay, doing some dishes while she sits. We are having a silly conversation. I then ask about her latest doctor visits and that's when the floor drops out from underneath me. She's been told she has about 4-5 years to live. I guess I should have known this but to hear the time frame out loud... To put it up to maybe 5 more Thanksgiving dinners, 5 more birthday cakes, 5 more Mother's Days.

The day before, Nature Boy and I hid things in our car. We haven't told them we are thinking about the possibility of a child. Someday. My head went right to that, the time clock starts ticking louder, I feel trapped. We stole a set of embroidered wall hangings for a nursery. We hid the toys, the ones for the bathtub and the little Humpty Dumpty lamp in the back of the cubbyhole. So they wouldn't sell them or give them away, so if we were lucky and when the time came, if we found out we would have a little one...

I called my sisters yesterday to tell them. One sister was crushed and although she comes home 5-6 times a year anyhow she is planning to come home right away. My other sister hasn't been home for about 5 years now. Kay hopes every Christmas that she will be suprised. She makes excuses as to why her daughter can't come and see her. She's too busy; she has a lot of work. My sister explains she doesn't want to have to waste her vacation time coming home to see her family, she has other plans, she is going to the Keys for Christmas. She explains Kay and Bill should come to see her, of course. Sister questioned whether Kay was telling the truth about what the doctor said. Sister said she doesn't know, but when she herself goes to the doctor and the doctor tells her she needs a cortisone shot she declines it and maybe Kay should do the same, ask more questions instead of just going on oxygen. I tell my sister, as I bite my tongue firmly, that I just needed to tell her what Kay told me, that I did not want to talk about this right now, and my sister curtly said goodbye and hung up.

My sisters are twins.

My childhood rages between my ears. I see it all over the tarps and tables on the lawn, in movies playing in my head. It all goes so fucking fast.